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My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
