Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
