Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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