If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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