Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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