Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
