theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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