wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
