GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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