Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
