No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
