we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
