the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
