i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
