GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
