Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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