dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my being single is dangerous.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
