I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
