You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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