just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
