do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
