If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
