Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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