I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
