i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
