hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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