Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need a beard to bite.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
