I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
