i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
