I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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