i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
