I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
