He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
