It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
