we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
