I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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