I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
