Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
