apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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