you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
