i think my tv is drunk
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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