if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
