I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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