textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
