I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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