Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
