i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
