Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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