My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
