have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
