how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
