did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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